Supporting Your Cancer Warrior Part 2
Remember that it is not You and They are not Themselves
Stress and Emotions
Cancer can change a lot of things and that can translate into a lot of stress. Too much stress can change how people act; you and your loved one are no exception. Depression is common place even among those with good odds of being cured. A few people with poor odds “make peace” and will appear to be handling it well. Even if your loved one falls into this group there is no such thing as making peace with cancer. Someone who isn’t “battling” will be someone who has given up on everything. Telling someone who says they “made peace” that it is “okay to cry” can be a dangerous suggestion. Telling someone who won’t stop crying to “make peace” can be even more dangerous. You are in a situation where no matter what you do it will be wrong. At some point your loving partner is going to direct some anger at you.
Don’t “Make Peace” with Cancer
Cancer can take away someone you love without actually killing them. It can change a person and many times not for the better. There can be bitterness and resentment. The perception that you aren’t hurting enough or caring enough may put strain on your relationship. Your attempts to help might not have the impact you want. This can be true for both the cancer survivor and the people around them. Constantly feeling powerless and being the punching bag for someone’s frustrations can crush a person psychologically. Being a cancer patient entitles a person to some sympathy, but too often the demand for sympathy can make the situation even more stressful. The loved ones of cancer patients are also suffering in their own way. It is easy for a cancer patient to brush off a loved one and say, “my suffering is so much worse than anything they’re experiencing.” This is usually true, but not always. I’ve seen some who go through their fight with cancer seemingly unphased, and I’ve seen loved ones who completely fall apart.
Make Peace with The Ones You Love
After Tiff’s first surgery there were many times when I wondered if she had completely given up. My instinctive response was, “I won’t let her!” Of course, I couldn’t just yell at her or start barking orders at her. Telling her, “You need to…” do X, Y, or Z certainly didn’t make her happy, but it was something that needed to be done from time to time. I had to make my own peace with the fact that she was going to be angry towards me. I knew that it wasn’t her and there were times I wondered if I hadn’t already lost her. One of her doctors had told us the story of a woman he had cured 18 years ago. She was so convinced her cancer would return that she lashed out at everyone around her. In the end she beat cancer but destroyed her relationship with her husband and children. Rather than celebrating 18 years of beating the disease she was completely miserable with no one left to support her. I feared that outcome as much as the cancer itself.
I Now Understand Why Some People Cry Watching Bambi!
One way that cancer changed me is my reaction to certain movies. I was always one of those people who could watch any movie without shedding a single tear. After Tiff was diagnosed, that changed. Any movie where a single parent is left dealing with the aftermath is now a tear-jerker for me. My wife and daughter wanted to watch the movie “We Bought a Zoo” when she was going through chemo and they both loved it. I sat through the whole movie with my back towards them so they couldn’t see the constant flow of tears coming from my eyes.
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