Part 2 ~ We’ve Got a Plan: His Plan

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Part 2 ~ We’ve Got a Plan: His Plan

March/April 2016

Around the time of my daughter’s incident, I had been feeling an odd sensation in the middle of the right side of my torso. It felt like someone was pricking me with a pin. It happened occasionally and I figured it was just poor posture or something.

The sensation became more frequent – several times a week to once a day to several times a day. I messaged my doctor (Dr. Mc.) to see if she thought it worthy of a visit and she said yes. After talking with her and trying to replicate the sensation to no avail, she wanted me to get an ultrasound that day to rule out a gall bladder issue. The ultrasound was fine – not my gall bladder. Great news, but what is it then?

7 days later, I had my first ER visit. It was late in the evening when I headed off to bed and I could not get comfortable. My abdomen and side hurt no matter how I tried to lay. I came out and called the on-call doctor and they said I should go to the ER if the symptoms persisted. Persist they did! There was no rest for the weary! I called my brother to see if he could come crash on our couch so that someone would be there with Bean. It was a long night. We were constantly asking if there was a room available yet. It seemed as if everyone were in slow motion. We were there for about 5 1/2 hours when they said they’d have a bed ready soon. My brother would need to get to work and my pain had subsided. I already had a visit scheduled with Dr. Mc. for that morning, so we decided to leave.

I asked my doctor if this was cancer. She said that nothing seemed to be indicative of that and was thinking it was gastrointestinal and prescribed an antacid and a visit with a GI doctor. The appointment for the GI visit was scheduled for August – 4 months away as it was the soonest they had. The antacid was not doing anything and I was able to get my GI visit moved up to July. My doctor and I kept in touch thru my patient portal with ideas of what could be the source of my discomfort.

My next visit to the ER was a month and a half later. We had just finished dinner and my daughter went to get her shower. I couldn’t take the not knowing what this feeling was anymore. With tears in my eyes, I went to my husband and said “I need to know what this is now!”  We dropped Bean off with my brother and off we went to the ER.

The ER doctor did a CT scan of my abdominal/pelvic area. He said that they found a mass. My heart sank. I kept my composure enough to ask where exactly it was. He said it was on my right ovary and that it was pretty big and I should get with my doctor in the morning. Backstory: I knew thru fertility testing that I had a cyst on my right ovary and that I was the weak link as prior to all this we had been trying to conceive our 2^nd child for the last 6 years since Bean was about 2. I had Bean the month before I turned 34 and was considered of advanced maternal age and was 41 as all of this was taking place.

I called all of my doctors the next day: my primary physician (Dr. Mc.) who had been working with me on this; my GYN (Dr. T.) who was new to me as I had been seeing the midwife, whom I had seen when I was pregnant and for yearly visits; and my hematologist (Dr. E.) because I had been diagnosed about 9 years ago with a rare blood disorder: Essential Thrombocythemia with a JAK2 gene mutation. I have never seen doctor appointments made so fast in my life! God was moving mountains for me!

The following day I saw Dr. Mc. to go over my ER visit. Then on to Dr. T. She went over the course of action they were going to take to get all the necessary tests done. I would need a colonoscopy as they wanted to rule out colon cancer as I have a maternal aunt who is a survivor and another maternal aunt who is a uterine cancer survivor. The following cancer markers would need to be tested: CEA, CA-125 & CA-199. I would also need to go for a pelvic ultrasound so they could better see what this cyst was.

My husband and I had asked for a timeline as our family was supposed to go away for a little R & R and she told us to cancel any plans we may have.

How does that saying go? “The best laid-plans of mice and men often go awry.” We can plan all we want, but sometimes God’s plans are a little different. No, God did not give me a disease. Yes, God knew this would all happen, it’s no surprise to Him for He is omniscient. Only good things come from God because God is good. There is no sin or bad found in Him for He is Holy. However, God does use those bad things in life: our sin, something that someone does to us to cause us harm, illnesses and diseases, etc. in order to make us stronger. It is not wasted. He uses these things to make us stronger, to refine us. We go thru the proverbial fire the way a silversmith refines silver – thru the hottest part of the flame. Sometimes we need to go thru Hell and back in order for this to happen. Going thru and facing difficult times makes us stronger. We learn a lot about ourselves and about God. In these times of trial, we need to focus on Him as He is the only way we will get thru. Yes, we may never know the answers to some questions in our lifetime, but trust that He will never stop working to make things right even if we can not see it.  

His ways and plans are not our own. He may bless the plans we have and the path we take or He may direct us down a different path that is unfamiliar and full of twists and turns in order to get us to where He wants us to be via the scenic route!

Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV: ⁸ For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. ⁹ For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

For those of you reading this who are going thru deep, heart-wrenching despair and seeing no way out of your dire situation – I hear you. It is so easy to think that God is not there for you or your loved one or situation. I have had times in my life when my walk with the Lord was not as strong and because we can not see or hear Him, it is easy to rationalize that He is not there, does not care, or can not help us. It is definitely a time where you need to step out in faith and just pour out your heart to Him. Go ahead and yell – He knows you are hurting and He can take it. Just don’t stop talking to Him. And if you haven’t ever started talking to Him – do so now. He wants to have a relationship with you. A 2-sided relationship. He is not Santa Claus or a magic wish machine, but He will be there for you thru thick and thin, good and bad. Tell Him your deepest darkest secrets. Tell Him the pain you are in. Tell Him when you’ve had a great day. He will love you no matter what. Think about it this way – if we knew how everything would go or if everything went right (our way) all the time – there would be nothing for us to look forward to. There would be no reason to praise Him. Even when all is going wrong – you can praise Him. Even if what you asked Him for doesn’t happen – you can praise Him. Sometimes His healing and fixing comes in a different package – like the closing of a door to open another one somewhere else and yes, sometimes even in the death of someone we prayed to be completely healed. Because in death – they are healed. There is no more pain or sadness for them. For us, yes, but not them. We are only here for a little while and then we, who believe in Jesus, get to spend all of eternity in Heaven! Praise God!

PSA: If you ever feel like something is not right in your body – GO GET IT CHECKED OUT! Do not keep putting it off! Pain is your body’s way of telling you that something is wrong! If you ever feel as if your doctor is not taking you seriously or dismissing feelings you have and telling you that nothing is wrong – GO GET A 2nd OPINION. Get a 3^rd if you need to. Doctors are fallible. They do not know everything. Be your own advocate! I was blessed with a doctor who worked with me and communicated with me so that together we could figure out what was wrong. If your doctor won’t do that for you – find a new one!